Based on feedback from our fifth draft, we have written a new sixth draft.
SCRIPT DRAFT 6
Changes to the script include:
- We've removed what was scene 4 where they run across the car park towards the building. We felt this didn't work with the story anymore, and was just a scene we had left in from the original idea. Instead the two now leave the car, and it cuts straight to the scene that takes place outside the building. This will work better pacing wise, and is more believable for the characters, as by removing the scene, we have removed a strong element that suggests Clive is an idiot who doesn't know what he is doing, when in fact we want him to come across as intelligent.
- During what is now scene 5 Clive no longer shouts "I will kill you". This went against the idea that Clive has actually planed the whole thing. He wouldn't say this; it is out of character. By removing it, he no longer seems scared or stupid. He has set this up to fail, and so he wouldn't scream that upon entering the building.
- In the same scene Bobbie no longer tells Clive to threaten anyone he sees. This felt out of character for her. She is not a violent person, and this is her last resort. She wouldn't tell Clive to do that, and she wouldn't do that herself.
- For the ending, we added the detail of the security guard holding a phone up to his ear and sirens being heard in the background. We wanted to suggest to the audience that unfortunately our main characters have been caught in the act, and so their problems are not solved.
This new draft is not too different from the previous one. The changes are mostly to make the characters actions and dialogue more believable.
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